So the fetus that has been residing in Jester's womb for the past 9+ months will be arriving this week for sure, with Thursday being the latest possible birth date. With this joyous occasion nearing, we at GMYH are having a holiday giveaway. The person who correctly guesses Baby GMYH's weight (or who comes the closest, without going over) will win a mystery CD of my choosing from my extensive collection.
Please post your guess in the comments (and yes, I will approve them all). There are no duplicates, so if someone has already posted your pick, you must pick something else. Anonymous posts are ineligible. Only one guess per person.
Just to give you guys some context, I was 2 weeks late, and I weighed 8 lbs 1 oz. Jester was a month early, and she weighed 3 lbs 2 oz. Good luck, and happy holidays!
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Song Dissection: "Mandy" by Barry Manilow
Oftentimes, we hear a song and we mindlessly sing along, perhaps for years, without taking a step back to pay attention to the lyrics or the back story. Every now and then, I will dissect such a song, revealing just how strange, creepy, or objectively idiotic a song might actually be.
"Mandy" by Barry Manilow is one of those songs. Because we're weird, back in law school when I was rooming with Tradd, Ryan, and AC, before heading out to the bars, we would occasionally put "Mandy" on the Victrola, crank it as loud as possible, and open the front door, so that it's soothing sounds would be broadcast down Grant Street. It made sense at the time.
When you hear "Mandy," you might assume that it's a sweet love song about a woman who selflessly tries to save the narrator from his bout with the shakes. However, when you dig a little deeper, you find something else. Mandy was a rewrite of a song written by a couple British songwriters named "Brandy." Urban legend has it that "Brandy" was about a dog. By the time Barry Manilow decided to cover the song, The Looking Glass had a hit of their own called "Brandy," so Manilow changed the name of the song to "Mandy" to avoid confusion. Also, there is a dog pictured on the back of the Barry Manilow II album, which "Mandy" is on.
With this as a backdrop, the lyrics to "Mandy" are very confusing.
I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
Jesus, man, take a Valium. Either that, or move out of West Lafayette.
A face through a window
A puppy!
Crying in the night
Maybe feed the puppy.
The night goes into
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
That makes sense, since people like dogs.
Looking in their eyes
No need to creep them out.
I see a memory I never realized
You made me so happy, oh Mandy
That's pleasant. It's always nice to hear dog owners praise their pets, although it's obviously a little concerning that he didn't appreciate what he had at the time.
Well you came and you gave without taking
This is just wrong. In fact, all dogs do is take without giving. For example, not once since I've owned Harley has she reimbursed me for any of the food, toys, shelter, beds, vaccinations, medication, or vet expenses that I've provided for her.
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
Sent you away? Like to a kennel? Or to a "farm"?
Well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
This is just creepy.
I need you today, oh Mandy
Well, maybe you shouldn't have sent her away.
I'm standing on the edge of time
That's not true.
I walked away when love was mine
It's a dog. You could have kept it on a leash and/or not walked away from it. Either way would have prevented this predicament.
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
This doesn't make much sense, since Manilow lived in New York at the time, and there aren't a ton of hills in the city.
The tears are in my mind
You should feel guilty about the dog's tears, since you, as the owner, had the ability to control whether or not your dog was crying.
And nothing is rhyming, oh Mandy
Again, this is false. "Rhyming" rhymes with "climbing." Therefore, something is rhyming.
Yesterday's a dream I face the morning
Crying on the breeze
The pain is calling, oh Mandy
Get a grip, man. You can always get another dog. Sure, it won't be the same as Mandy because, more than likely, it will take without giving, but it will still provide companionship. But this time, maybe don't abandon it or put it to sleep. Also, pain is an inanimate object, so it can't call.
"Mandy" by Barry Manilow is one of those songs. Because we're weird, back in law school when I was rooming with Tradd, Ryan, and AC, before heading out to the bars, we would occasionally put "Mandy" on the Victrola, crank it as loud as possible, and open the front door, so that it's soothing sounds would be broadcast down Grant Street. It made sense at the time.
When you hear "Mandy," you might assume that it's a sweet love song about a woman who selflessly tries to save the narrator from his bout with the shakes. However, when you dig a little deeper, you find something else. Mandy was a rewrite of a song written by a couple British songwriters named "Brandy." Urban legend has it that "Brandy" was about a dog. By the time Barry Manilow decided to cover the song, The Looking Glass had a hit of their own called "Brandy," so Manilow changed the name of the song to "Mandy" to avoid confusion. Also, there is a dog pictured on the back of the Barry Manilow II album, which "Mandy" is on.With this as a backdrop, the lyrics to "Mandy" are very confusing.
I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
Jesus, man, take a Valium. Either that, or move out of West Lafayette.
A face through a window
A puppy!
Crying in the night
Maybe feed the puppy.
The night goes into
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
That makes sense, since people like dogs.
Looking in their eyes
No need to creep them out.
I see a memory I never realized
You made me so happy, oh Mandy
That's pleasant. It's always nice to hear dog owners praise their pets, although it's obviously a little concerning that he didn't appreciate what he had at the time.
Well you came and you gave without taking
This is just wrong. In fact, all dogs do is take without giving. For example, not once since I've owned Harley has she reimbursed me for any of the food, toys, shelter, beds, vaccinations, medication, or vet expenses that I've provided for her.
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
Sent you away? Like to a kennel? Or to a "farm"?
Well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
This is just creepy.
I need you today, oh Mandy
Well, maybe you shouldn't have sent her away.
I'm standing on the edge of time
That's not true.
I walked away when love was mine
It's a dog. You could have kept it on a leash and/or not walked away from it. Either way would have prevented this predicament.
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing
This doesn't make much sense, since Manilow lived in New York at the time, and there aren't a ton of hills in the city.
The tears are in my mind
You should feel guilty about the dog's tears, since you, as the owner, had the ability to control whether or not your dog was crying.
And nothing is rhyming, oh Mandy
Again, this is false. "Rhyming" rhymes with "climbing." Therefore, something is rhyming.
Yesterday's a dream I face the morning
Crying on the breeze
The pain is calling, oh Mandy
Get a grip, man. You can always get another dog. Sure, it won't be the same as Mandy because, more than likely, it will take without giving, but it will still provide companionship. But this time, maybe don't abandon it or put it to sleep. Also, pain is an inanimate object, so it can't call.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Thankswaiting
Thanksgiving weekend this year was relatively low key. As we were awaiting the fulfillment of the prophecy and the concomitant arrival of our first born, we told our families to stay the hell away and politely informed everyone that we would not be leaving the city limits until our fetus becomes a human.
Thus, while many of you were celebrating Blackout Wednesday, Jester and I were chilling at home, playing cops and robbers with Harley.
Thursday morning, I made some pumpkin pie while Jessie took pictures.
Per tradition, I wore my turkey shirt (and made my classic "Thanksgiving creepy eyes"). Deal with it, America.
We had two pies for four people. I ate until the point of physical discomfort. There was enough food to go around that Alex's anonymous wife found it to be appropriate to make their runty dog a plate of people food.
When I woke up Friday morning, I kid you not, my pee smelled like turkey. And shame.
Friday was D Day. And no, I don't mean to imply that Friday was either June 6, 1944 or Daniel Simpson Day. Rather, Friday was the date that some charlatan predicted would bring the birth of our child.
Friday afternoon, we saw a movie about men who stare at goats. From what I gathered, the entire point of the movie was simply to alert you to the existence of some men who stare at goats.
Friday came and went without the fulfillment of the prophecy.
Friday night I got over ten hours of sleep, possibly for the last time in my life.
Other than a trip to the Smoke Shack (a local BBQ place) with my dad (who stopped by on his way out of town), much of Saturday was spent doing nothing, although we did go shopping for rugs (not toupees or murkins, but actual rugs), to no avail. We also went to Whole Foods, where they apparently sell a lot of excellent, extremely potent winter beers that I am incapable of not buying. Saturday night, I drank some of said beer, along with Ryan, as we watched Road House on Spike. After about a half hour into the movie, I realized that I own Road House on DVD, so I popped that in, caught up to where we were, then watched the rest of the movie uncut. When we finished, there were still 15 minutes left on the Spike version, so we got to see Brad Wesley die twice. But then again, if the sheriff asks, we didn't see Brad Wesley die.
Sunday was also spent doing very little. We watched some football, grilled some old burgers, and watched Gregerson's dog pee on our kitchen floor and then on our deck.
At the present time, we are still waiting for this kid to be born, if for no other reason than so we will be able to yell at her once she comes out for being so unpunctual. I hope this insolence isn't a trend.
On a side note, that wives' tale that walking induces labor is horse shit. And if one more person tells Jessie to walk or drive on bumpy roads or eat spicy food or eat a big meal (or any of the other wives' tales for inducing labor that don't really work), I fear that my child will grow up with a mother behind bars for murder. Seriously, people, those things only work to move the process along if you are already in the beginning stages of labor. Telling an already miserable, overdue pregnant woman to do something she knows is futile only serves to remind her that she is still pregnant and can't do anything about it.
A few months ago, I posted the Top Ten Things Not to Say to Pregnant Women. Here are a few things you should not say to pregnant women who are past their due date:
-"Be patient." The first nine months were about being patient. Even if you are a woman who has gone past her due date, you shouldn't be saying this.
-"Enjoy it now because you won't get any sleep when the baby comes." It turns out really pregnant women don't sleep very well as it is, especially when they have acid reflux.
-"Have you had that baby yet?" No.
Use some common sense, people.
Thus, while many of you were celebrating Blackout Wednesday, Jester and I were chilling at home, playing cops and robbers with Harley.
Thursday morning, I made some pumpkin pie while Jessie took pictures.
That afternoon, we went to the home of Alex and his anonymous wife, as they had graciously invited us to share in their feast. And what a feast it was. 
Alex's anonymous wife drank three different kinds of wine at one time.
Per tradition, I wore my turkey shirt (and made my classic "Thanksgiving creepy eyes"). Deal with it, America.
We had two pies for four people. I ate until the point of physical discomfort. There was enough food to go around that Alex's anonymous wife found it to be appropriate to make their runty dog a plate of people food.When I woke up Friday morning, I kid you not, my pee smelled like turkey. And shame.
Friday was D Day. And no, I don't mean to imply that Friday was either June 6, 1944 or Daniel Simpson Day. Rather, Friday was the date that some charlatan predicted would bring the birth of our child.
Friday afternoon, we saw a movie about men who stare at goats. From what I gathered, the entire point of the movie was simply to alert you to the existence of some men who stare at goats.
Friday came and went without the fulfillment of the prophecy.
Friday night I got over ten hours of sleep, possibly for the last time in my life.Other than a trip to the Smoke Shack (a local BBQ place) with my dad (who stopped by on his way out of town), much of Saturday was spent doing nothing, although we did go shopping for rugs (not toupees or murkins, but actual rugs), to no avail. We also went to Whole Foods, where they apparently sell a lot of excellent, extremely potent winter beers that I am incapable of not buying. Saturday night, I drank some of said beer, along with Ryan, as we watched Road House on Spike. After about a half hour into the movie, I realized that I own Road House on DVD, so I popped that in, caught up to where we were, then watched the rest of the movie uncut. When we finished, there were still 15 minutes left on the Spike version, so we got to see Brad Wesley die twice. But then again, if the sheriff asks, we didn't see Brad Wesley die.
Sunday was also spent doing very little. We watched some football, grilled some old burgers, and watched Gregerson's dog pee on our kitchen floor and then on our deck.
At the present time, we are still waiting for this kid to be born, if for no other reason than so we will be able to yell at her once she comes out for being so unpunctual. I hope this insolence isn't a trend.
On a side note, that wives' tale that walking induces labor is horse shit. And if one more person tells Jessie to walk or drive on bumpy roads or eat spicy food or eat a big meal (or any of the other wives' tales for inducing labor that don't really work), I fear that my child will grow up with a mother behind bars for murder. Seriously, people, those things only work to move the process along if you are already in the beginning stages of labor. Telling an already miserable, overdue pregnant woman to do something she knows is futile only serves to remind her that she is still pregnant and can't do anything about it.
A few months ago, I posted the Top Ten Things Not to Say to Pregnant Women. Here are a few things you should not say to pregnant women who are past their due date:
-"Be patient." The first nine months were about being patient. Even if you are a woman who has gone past her due date, you shouldn't be saying this.
-"Enjoy it now because you won't get any sleep when the baby comes." It turns out really pregnant women don't sleep very well as it is, especially when they have acid reflux.
-"Have you had that baby yet?" No.
Use some common sense, people.
And why is it that pregnancy seems to make people think they can talk to me about my wife's privates? I'm pretty sure if she wanted you to know how many centimeters she is dilated, then she would volunteer that information herself. Don't ask me that shit (and don't ask her, either). I love you all.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Albums of 2009
In the remaining Tuesdays, I will be going bat shit nuts and listing the top ten albums and songs of 2009, then the top ten EPs, albums, and songs of this decade. It's a tall task, but one for which I have been preparing for approximately ten years. I know what you're thinking: "GMYH, you're too ambitious." I know. "And wait, how have you been preparing for this for ten years when you've only had a blog for a little more than four years?" Piss off, man. I have ESP.
I was going to do a top ten albums of 2009, but I realized I only bought 13 albums that were released this year, so, out of fairness, I'm just going to rank all of them. And, unlike last year, I though this year was relatively weak as far as new albums.
And before you freak out about some album that you think is awesome that I've left off the list, bear in mind that I am only ranking the albums that I own. Thus, while your choice may be totally sweet, I don't have the authority to put it on the list.
Also, if I happen to get another 2009 album or two in the next couple weeks, I vow to review it on the GMYH scale, such that you can easily assess it in relation to the albums reviewed in this here post.
As a reminder, here is the GMYH CD Review Scale:
-6 Handrews - Buy it now. NOW!!
-5 Handrews - Excellent album that you should seriously consider purchasing in the near future
-4 Handrews - Very good album that you should at least check out on iTunes
-3 Handrews - If you want it, download it illegally
-2 Handrews - Somewhere between Britney Spears and William Hung
-1 Handrew - Ashlee Simpson
-0 Handrews – PopoZao
Anyway, here are the albums:
13. Arctic Monkeys – Humbug. 3.5 Handrews
Given how great their first two albums were, Humbug was a bit of a disappointment. The band seemed to mellow too much on this album, and there is no stand-out track like "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor" from the first album or "Fluorescent Adolescent" from the second. It sounds like the band too more cues from lead singer Alex Turner's less energetic side project The Last Shadow Puppets (whose 2008 album The Age of The Understatement is excellent, by the way). Don't get me wrong, I am still overly excited to see them play at The Riv Sunday night (assuming my wife is not birthing a child at or around that time). Top Tracks: "Potion Approaching," "Pretty Visitors"
11 (tie). The Dead Weather – Horehound. 4 Handrews
Just about everything Jack White touches turns to gold, in my opinion. That is, until The Dead Weather, his latest side project, in which he plays drums and occasionally sings, along with lead singer Alison Mosshart (of The Kills), guitarist Dean Fertita (of Queens of the Stone Age), and bassist Jack Lawrence (of The Greenhornes and The Raconteurs). It's not a bad album; it's just not as good as any White Stripes or Raconteurs album. Top tracks: "Treat Me Like Your Mother," "New Pony"
11 (tie). Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures. 4 Handrews
This is another supergroup, featuring bassist John Paul Jones of Led fucking Zeppelin and not yet beginning to fight fame, drummer Dave Grohl of Foo Fighters and Nirvana fame, and Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age fame. (What is it with Queens of the Stone Age members in supergroups?) Anyway, I bought this album without hearing any song on it. That may have been a slight mistake. I like the album, but I was expecting more. I find many of the songs to be too drowsy. I guess I was hoping for a more rollicking album. Top tracks: "Mind Eraser, No Chaser," "New Fang"
6 (tie.) Angus Khan - Black Leather Soul. 4.5 Handrews
As the band's name implies, it is a combination of Angus Young and Genghis Khan – a formidable pairing of guitar prowess and ransacking ability. The music is fashioned in the band name's image. It's gritty, ballsy hard rock, harkening early AC/DC, and the lead singer even sounds eerily like Bon Scott. Top tracks: "On the Run," "Call Me Motherfucker"
6 (tie). Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot. 4.5 Handrews
What do you get when you combine former Van Halen members Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony with former Chili Peppers drummer (and Will Ferrell look-alike) Chad Smith and guitar wunderkind Joe Satriani? Well, you get a band with a weird name that plays good, straightforward rock. I'm not sure why this album has gotten a bad rap. I think it's pretty good. How could it not be with this line-up? Top tracks: "Soap on a Rope," "Oh Yeah"
6 (tie). Ben Harper & Relentless7 - White Lies for Dark Times. 4.5 Handrews
Ben Harper is one of those artists where every time I hear one of his songs, I ask myself why I don't own more of his music. The man is a Scorpio, after all. Anyway, his latest album is with a backing group called Relentless7, and their album, White Lies for Dark Times, is a good blues rock album. Top tracks: "Number With No Name," "Why Must You Always Dress in Black"
6 (tie). Japandroids - Post-Nothing. 4.5 Handrews
This is a weird garage rock-y, noisy album from two Canadian dudes. I'm not sure what prompted me to get it (it was more than likely a Rolling Stone review), but I'm glad I did. It's a little different than most of what I listen to. It's definitely filled with energy and fuzzed-out guitars, which are two things I enjoy when it comes to music. Top tracks: "Young Hearts Spark Fire," "I Quit Girls"
6 (tie). Razorlight - Slipway Fires. 4.5 Handrews
Razorlight burst onto the scene in 2004, and I love their debut album, Up All Night. Their second album, which was self-titled, and their third album, Slipway Fires, are both pretty good as well. Like their second album, Slipway Fires is a little less frantic than their debut album, but the songs are good and catchy (and many of them are still fast-paced). I don't know how else to describe them, other than good British pop rock. Also, they put on a really good live show, although I would recommend seeing them at any other time than 10 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day observed. Top tracks: "Hostage of Love," "You And The Rest"
3 (tie). Ace Frehley – Anomaly. 4.75 Handrews
Who knew the Space Man still had it in him? While his former KISS band mates are still selling out large arenas (and still kicking ass, mind you), Ace is quietly riding the club circuit supporting his latest solo effort – his first in 20 years. I bought this album after listening to a couple clips on Amazon and because I think Frehley's KISS solo album might be the best KISS album. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised by Anomaly. You may have heard his cover of the Sweet's "Fox On the Run," which is a perfect cover and has been getting some airplay on hard rock stations. Overall, I think this is a really good album, and probably better than anything KISS has released recently. And, as a bonus, the CD cover folds into a pyramid. Top tracks: "Outer Space," "Foxy & Free"
3 (tie). Weezer – Raditude. 4.75 Handrews
That Rivers Cuomo can sure write himself a pop song, and he has proven that throughout Weezer's history. Raditude is no exception, and he even has help on several songs, from the likes of hip hop producer and writer Jermaine Dupri (Jessie!), rock chameleon Butch Walker (who also produced the album), pop songwriter Dr. Luke, and a couple guys from All-American Rejects. The result is a carefree and shallowly fun album. Top tracks: "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To," "The Girl Got Hot"
3 (tie). Wolfmother - Cosmic Egg. 4.75 Handrews
After a three-year hiatus and nearly an entire line-up change (aside from lead singer and guitarist Andrew Stockdale), Australian hard rockers Wolfmother finally released a second album, Cosmic Egg, which harkens Zeppelin, Free, and Black Sabbath nearly as much as the first album. While, in my opinion, it's not as good as their first album, this is still a very solid hard rock album. Top tracks: "New Moon Rising," "White Feather"
2. The Answer - Everyday Demons. 5 Handrews
Perhaps 2009 is the year of the hard rock revival. If it is, then Northern Ireland's The Answer undoubtedly deserves a seat at the head of the table. Everyday Demons is the band's first full-length U.S. release, and it generally kicks ass. As lead singer Cormac Neeson channels Robert Plant, the rest of the band whips itself into a controlled frenzy. The songs are fist-pumping rockers that make you wish it was 1974. And the band is awesome live as well. Top tracks: "Demon Eyes," "On and On"
1. The Hold Steady – A Positive Rage. 5.5 Handrews
This is a live album (with a bonus DVD), made during a Hold Steady show at The Metro here in Chicago on October 31, 2007 – a night after Jessie and I saw them. The album has a nice mix of songs from the groups four studio albums (even though Stay Positive had not yet been released), but better yet, the album is a great representation of the essence of this band. They are, at heart, a live band, and their shows are always energetic. This band loves playing live. Just as you might recommend Alive or Live and Dangerous to someone you're introducing to KISS or Thin Lizzy, respectively, I think A Positive Rage is the same type of album for people who are looking to get into The Hold Steady. Top tracks: "Ask Her For Adderall," "Killer Parties"
I was going to do a top ten albums of 2009, but I realized I only bought 13 albums that were released this year, so, out of fairness, I'm just going to rank all of them. And, unlike last year, I though this year was relatively weak as far as new albums.
And before you freak out about some album that you think is awesome that I've left off the list, bear in mind that I am only ranking the albums that I own. Thus, while your choice may be totally sweet, I don't have the authority to put it on the list.
Also, if I happen to get another 2009 album or two in the next couple weeks, I vow to review it on the GMYH scale, such that you can easily assess it in relation to the albums reviewed in this here post.
As a reminder, here is the GMYH CD Review Scale:
-6 Handrews - Buy it now. NOW!!
-5 Handrews - Excellent album that you should seriously consider purchasing in the near future
-4 Handrews - Very good album that you should at least check out on iTunes
-3 Handrews - If you want it, download it illegally
-2 Handrews - Somewhere between Britney Spears and William Hung
-1 Handrew - Ashlee Simpson
-0 Handrews – PopoZao
Anyway, here are the albums:
13. Arctic Monkeys – Humbug. 3.5 Handrews
Given how great their first two albums were, Humbug was a bit of a disappointment. The band seemed to mellow too much on this album, and there is no stand-out track like "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor" from the first album or "Fluorescent Adolescent" from the second. It sounds like the band too more cues from lead singer Alex Turner's less energetic side project The Last Shadow Puppets (whose 2008 album The Age of The Understatement is excellent, by the way). Don't get me wrong, I am still overly excited to see them play at The Riv Sunday night (assuming my wife is not birthing a child at or around that time). Top Tracks: "Potion Approaching," "Pretty Visitors"
11 (tie). The Dead Weather – Horehound. 4 Handrews
Just about everything Jack White touches turns to gold, in my opinion. That is, until The Dead Weather, his latest side project, in which he plays drums and occasionally sings, along with lead singer Alison Mosshart (of The Kills), guitarist Dean Fertita (of Queens of the Stone Age), and bassist Jack Lawrence (of The Greenhornes and The Raconteurs). It's not a bad album; it's just not as good as any White Stripes or Raconteurs album. Top tracks: "Treat Me Like Your Mother," "New Pony"
11 (tie). Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures. 4 Handrews
This is another supergroup, featuring bassist John Paul Jones of Led fucking Zeppelin and not yet beginning to fight fame, drummer Dave Grohl of Foo Fighters and Nirvana fame, and Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age fame. (What is it with Queens of the Stone Age members in supergroups?) Anyway, I bought this album without hearing any song on it. That may have been a slight mistake. I like the album, but I was expecting more. I find many of the songs to be too drowsy. I guess I was hoping for a more rollicking album. Top tracks: "Mind Eraser, No Chaser," "New Fang"
6 (tie.) Angus Khan - Black Leather Soul. 4.5 Handrews
As the band's name implies, it is a combination of Angus Young and Genghis Khan – a formidable pairing of guitar prowess and ransacking ability. The music is fashioned in the band name's image. It's gritty, ballsy hard rock, harkening early AC/DC, and the lead singer even sounds eerily like Bon Scott. Top tracks: "On the Run," "Call Me Motherfucker"
6 (tie). Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot. 4.5 Handrews
What do you get when you combine former Van Halen members Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony with former Chili Peppers drummer (and Will Ferrell look-alike) Chad Smith and guitar wunderkind Joe Satriani? Well, you get a band with a weird name that plays good, straightforward rock. I'm not sure why this album has gotten a bad rap. I think it's pretty good. How could it not be with this line-up? Top tracks: "Soap on a Rope," "Oh Yeah"
6 (tie). Ben Harper & Relentless7 - White Lies for Dark Times. 4.5 Handrews
Ben Harper is one of those artists where every time I hear one of his songs, I ask myself why I don't own more of his music. The man is a Scorpio, after all. Anyway, his latest album is with a backing group called Relentless7, and their album, White Lies for Dark Times, is a good blues rock album. Top tracks: "Number With No Name," "Why Must You Always Dress in Black"
6 (tie). Japandroids - Post-Nothing. 4.5 Handrews
This is a weird garage rock-y, noisy album from two Canadian dudes. I'm not sure what prompted me to get it (it was more than likely a Rolling Stone review), but I'm glad I did. It's a little different than most of what I listen to. It's definitely filled with energy and fuzzed-out guitars, which are two things I enjoy when it comes to music. Top tracks: "Young Hearts Spark Fire," "I Quit Girls"
6 (tie). Razorlight - Slipway Fires. 4.5 Handrews
Razorlight burst onto the scene in 2004, and I love their debut album, Up All Night. Their second album, which was self-titled, and their third album, Slipway Fires, are both pretty good as well. Like their second album, Slipway Fires is a little less frantic than their debut album, but the songs are good and catchy (and many of them are still fast-paced). I don't know how else to describe them, other than good British pop rock. Also, they put on a really good live show, although I would recommend seeing them at any other time than 10 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day observed. Top tracks: "Hostage of Love," "You And The Rest"
3 (tie). Ace Frehley – Anomaly. 4.75 Handrews
Who knew the Space Man still had it in him? While his former KISS band mates are still selling out large arenas (and still kicking ass, mind you), Ace is quietly riding the club circuit supporting his latest solo effort – his first in 20 years. I bought this album after listening to a couple clips on Amazon and because I think Frehley's KISS solo album might be the best KISS album. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised by Anomaly. You may have heard his cover of the Sweet's "Fox On the Run," which is a perfect cover and has been getting some airplay on hard rock stations. Overall, I think this is a really good album, and probably better than anything KISS has released recently. And, as a bonus, the CD cover folds into a pyramid. Top tracks: "Outer Space," "Foxy & Free"
3 (tie). Weezer – Raditude. 4.75 Handrews
That Rivers Cuomo can sure write himself a pop song, and he has proven that throughout Weezer's history. Raditude is no exception, and he even has help on several songs, from the likes of hip hop producer and writer Jermaine Dupri (Jessie!), rock chameleon Butch Walker (who also produced the album), pop songwriter Dr. Luke, and a couple guys from All-American Rejects. The result is a carefree and shallowly fun album. Top tracks: "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To," "The Girl Got Hot"
3 (tie). Wolfmother - Cosmic Egg. 4.75 Handrews
After a three-year hiatus and nearly an entire line-up change (aside from lead singer and guitarist Andrew Stockdale), Australian hard rockers Wolfmother finally released a second album, Cosmic Egg, which harkens Zeppelin, Free, and Black Sabbath nearly as much as the first album. While, in my opinion, it's not as good as their first album, this is still a very solid hard rock album. Top tracks: "New Moon Rising," "White Feather"
2. The Answer - Everyday Demons. 5 Handrews
Perhaps 2009 is the year of the hard rock revival. If it is, then Northern Ireland's The Answer undoubtedly deserves a seat at the head of the table. Everyday Demons is the band's first full-length U.S. release, and it generally kicks ass. As lead singer Cormac Neeson channels Robert Plant, the rest of the band whips itself into a controlled frenzy. The songs are fist-pumping rockers that make you wish it was 1974. And the band is awesome live as well. Top tracks: "Demon Eyes," "On and On"
1. The Hold Steady – A Positive Rage. 5.5 Handrews
This is a live album (with a bonus DVD), made during a Hold Steady show at The Metro here in Chicago on October 31, 2007 – a night after Jessie and I saw them. The album has a nice mix of songs from the groups four studio albums (even though Stay Positive had not yet been released), but better yet, the album is a great representation of the essence of this band. They are, at heart, a live band, and their shows are always energetic. This band loves playing live. Just as you might recommend Alive or Live and Dangerous to someone you're introducing to KISS or Thin Lizzy, respectively, I think A Positive Rage is the same type of album for people who are looking to get into The Hold Steady. Top tracks: "Ask Her For Adderall," "Killer Parties"
Monday, November 30, 2009
Athletic-Academic Comparison of BCS Conferences
I am a curious man. When I ask myself a question that has an answer that can be discerned with relative ease, I try my best to answer it. With that as a backdrop, I've always held the belief that the Big Ten is the best conference in the country when it comes to a combination of athletics and academics. The only conference I think could hold a candle to the Big Ten is the Pac-10, but I've always thought the Pac-10 was very top-heavy in both academics and athletics, whereas the Big Ten is more consistent throughout.
Thus, I have done such a comparison of the BCS conferences. I have run the numbers for all 65 BCS schools (for the Big East, I included only the football schools), and come to some extremely useful conclusions about which conferences are the smartest, dumbest, most athletic, least athletic, and best all around.
For athletic information, I looked at NCAA championships, which are available here:
http://web1.ncaa.org/web_files/stats/champs_records_book/summaries/combined.pdf
The data is through the 2008-2009 season. And yes, I realize it's a little unfair because some schools have a lot more sports than others. But, if we're looking at athletics, then a school that excels at many sports is still better athletically than a school that doesn't excel at sports it doesn't have. Also, remember that there is no Division 1-A NCAA championship in football.
For academics, I looked at the US News and World Reports College Rankings from this past year, which are available here:
http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/best-colleges/national-universities-rankings
Because I am awesome and painfully detail-oriented, I came up with two rankings:
(1) Raw Ranking. Here, I will add a conference's average overall D-1 NCAA championship rank plus its average overall US News rank, and lowest total score wins. For instance, Arizona State ranks 18th in number of NCAA titles and 121st by US News. Thus, Arizona State's raw total would be 139.
(2) Relative Ranking. Here, I will remove the non-BCS schools from both categories and rank each school 1-65 in both categories. For instance, Arizona State's relative ranking for NCAA titles is 16th and for academics is 52nd. Thus, Arizona State's relative total would be 68.
There are 169 schools that have won a Division 1 national title. Thus, if a school has no national championships, then they receive a 170 as a raw athletic score (and 60 for the relative athletic score). There are 133 schools that receive a numerical ranking in US News. If a school is ranked in Tier 3, it is ranked between 134 and 200, so the average is 167, which will be a Tier 3 school's raw academic score (and 56 as a relative academic score). There are no BCS schools ranked lower than Tier 3.
Rather than bore you with all of the gruesome details, here are the rankings:
Raw Athletic (this number represents the average overall ranking of a conference's members' national titles)
1. Big Ten – 29.91
2. Pac-10 – 33.4
3. Big XII – 60.17
4. ACC – 70.33
5. SEC – 70.5
6. Big East – 96.38
Raw Academic (this number represents the average overall US News ranking of a conference's members)
1. ACC – 48.67
2. Big Ten – 50.18
3. Pac-10 – 72.8
4. SEC – 103.33
5. Big XII – 104.17
6. Big East – 114.25
Raw Overall
1. Big Ten – 80.09
Best school: Michigan – 37 (10 athletic; 27 academic)
Worst school: Purdue – 156 (95 athletic; 61 academic)
2. Pac-10 – 106.2
Best school: Stanford – 6 (2 athletic; 4 academic)
Worst school: Oregon State – 250 (83 athletic; 167 academic)
3. ACC – 119
Best school: North Carolina – 37 (9 athletic; 28 academic)
Worst school: Virginia Tech – 241 (170 athletic; 71 academic)
4. Big XII – 164.33
Best school: Texas – 54 (7 athletic; 47 academic)
Worst school: Kansas State – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
5. SEC – 173.83
Best school: Georgia – 72 (14 athletic; 58 academic)
Worst school: Mississippi and Mississippi State – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
6. Big East – 210.63
Best school: Syracuse – 96 (38 athletic; 58 academic)
Worst school: South Florida – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
Top 10 Overall schools
1. Stanford – 6 (2 athletic; 4 academic)
2. UCLA – 25 (1 athletic; 24 academic)
3. Southern California – 29 (3 athletic; 26 academic)
4. California – 32 (11 athletic; 21 academic)
5 (tie). Michigan – 37 (10 athletic; 27 academic)
5 (tie). North Carolina – 37 (9 athletic; 28 academic)
7. Wisconsin – 53 (14 athletic; 39 academic)
8. Texas – 54 (7 athletic; 47 academic)
9 (tie). Duke – 55 (45 athletic; 10 academic)
9 (tie). Penn State – 55 (8 athletic; 47 academic)
Worst 10 Overall schools
1 (tie.) Kansas State, Mississippi, Mississippi State, and South Florida – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
5. Texas Tech – 294 (127 athletic; 167 academic)
6 (tie). Cincinnati and Louisville – 262 (95 athletic; 167 academic)
8. Oregon State – 250 (83 athletic; 167 academic)
9. Virginia Tech – 241 (170 athletic; 71 academic)
10. South Carolina – 237 (127 athletic; 110 academic)
Relative Athletic
1. Pac-10 – 21.4
2. Big Ten – 21.45
3. Big XII – 32.75
4. SEC – 34.33
5. ACC – 38.25
6. Big East – 45.25
Relative Academic
1. ACC – 19.5
2. Big Ten – 20.55
3. Pac-10 – 28.7
4. Big XII – 41
5. SEC – 41.33
6. Big East – 41.38
Relative Overall
1. Big Ten – 42
Best school: Michigan – 19 (10 athletic; 9 academic)
Worst school: Purdue – 74 (48 athletic; 26 academic)
2. Pac-10 – 50.1
Best school: Stanford – 3 (2 athletic; 1 academic)
Worst school: Oregon State – 101 (45 athletic; 56 academic)
3. ACC – 57.75
Best school: North Carolina – 19 (9 athletic; 10 academic)
Worst school: Virginia Tech – 92 (60 athletic; 32 academic)
4. Big XII – 73.75
Best school: Texas – 24 (7 athletic; 27 academic)
Worst school: Kansas State – 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
5. SEC – 75.67
Best school: Georgia – 36 (12 athletic; 24 academic)
Worst school: Mississippi and Mississippi State – 337 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
6. Big East – 86.63
Best school: Syracuse – 55 (31 athletic; 24 academic)
Worst school: South Florida – 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
Top 10 Overall schools
1. Stanford – 3 (2 athletic; 1 academic)
2. UCLA – 7 (1 athletic; 6 academic)
3. Southern California – 11 (3 athletic; 8 academic)
4. California – 16 (11 athletic; 5 academic)
5 (tie). Michigan – 19 (10 athletic; 9 academic)
5 (tie). North Carolina – 19 (9 athletic; 10 academic)
7. Texas – 24 (7 athletic; 27 academic)
8. Penn State – 25 (8 athletic; 17 academic)
9. Wisconsin – 26 (12 athletic; 14 academic)
10. Virginia – 32 (26 athletic; 6 academic)
Worst 10 Overall schools
1 (tie.) Kansas State, Mississippi, Mississippi State, and South Florida – 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
5. Texas Tech – 111 (55 athletic; 56 academic)
6. South Carolina – 105 (55 athletic; 50 academic)
7 (tie). Cincinnati and Louisville – 104 (48 athletic; 56 academic)
9. Oregon State – 101 (45 athletic; 56 academic)
10. Washington State – 96 (48 athletic; 48 academic)
Hypothesis proven.
Thus, I have done such a comparison of the BCS conferences. I have run the numbers for all 65 BCS schools (for the Big East, I included only the football schools), and come to some extremely useful conclusions about which conferences are the smartest, dumbest, most athletic, least athletic, and best all around.
For athletic information, I looked at NCAA championships, which are available here:
http://web1.ncaa.org/web_files/stats/champs_records_book/summaries/combined.pdf
The data is through the 2008-2009 season. And yes, I realize it's a little unfair because some schools have a lot more sports than others. But, if we're looking at athletics, then a school that excels at many sports is still better athletically than a school that doesn't excel at sports it doesn't have. Also, remember that there is no Division 1-A NCAA championship in football.
For academics, I looked at the US News and World Reports College Rankings from this past year, which are available here:
http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/best-colleges/national-universities-rankings
Because I am awesome and painfully detail-oriented, I came up with two rankings:
(1) Raw Ranking. Here, I will add a conference's average overall D-1 NCAA championship rank plus its average overall US News rank, and lowest total score wins. For instance, Arizona State ranks 18th in number of NCAA titles and 121st by US News. Thus, Arizona State's raw total would be 139.
(2) Relative Ranking. Here, I will remove the non-BCS schools from both categories and rank each school 1-65 in both categories. For instance, Arizona State's relative ranking for NCAA titles is 16th and for academics is 52nd. Thus, Arizona State's relative total would be 68.
There are 169 schools that have won a Division 1 national title. Thus, if a school has no national championships, then they receive a 170 as a raw athletic score (and 60 for the relative athletic score). There are 133 schools that receive a numerical ranking in US News. If a school is ranked in Tier 3, it is ranked between 134 and 200, so the average is 167, which will be a Tier 3 school's raw academic score (and 56 as a relative academic score). There are no BCS schools ranked lower than Tier 3.
Rather than bore you with all of the gruesome details, here are the rankings:
Raw Athletic (this number represents the average overall ranking of a conference's members' national titles)
1. Big Ten – 29.91
2. Pac-10 – 33.4
3. Big XII – 60.17
4. ACC – 70.33
5. SEC – 70.5
6. Big East – 96.38
Raw Academic (this number represents the average overall US News ranking of a conference's members)
1. ACC – 48.67
2. Big Ten – 50.18
3. Pac-10 – 72.8
4. SEC – 103.33
5. Big XII – 104.17
6. Big East – 114.25
Raw Overall
1. Big Ten – 80.09
Best school: Michigan – 37 (10 athletic; 27 academic)
Worst school: Purdue – 156 (95 athletic; 61 academic)
2. Pac-10 – 106.2
Best school: Stanford – 6 (2 athletic; 4 academic)
Worst school: Oregon State – 250 (83 athletic; 167 academic)
3. ACC – 119
Best school: North Carolina – 37 (9 athletic; 28 academic)
Worst school: Virginia Tech – 241 (170 athletic; 71 academic)
4. Big XII – 164.33
Best school: Texas – 54 (7 athletic; 47 academic)
Worst school: Kansas State – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
5. SEC – 173.83
Best school: Georgia – 72 (14 athletic; 58 academic)
Worst school: Mississippi and Mississippi State – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
6. Big East – 210.63
Best school: Syracuse – 96 (38 athletic; 58 academic)
Worst school: South Florida – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
Top 10 Overall schools
1. Stanford – 6 (2 athletic; 4 academic)
2. UCLA – 25 (1 athletic; 24 academic)
3. Southern California – 29 (3 athletic; 26 academic)
4. California – 32 (11 athletic; 21 academic)
5 (tie). Michigan – 37 (10 athletic; 27 academic)
5 (tie). North Carolina – 37 (9 athletic; 28 academic)
7. Wisconsin – 53 (14 athletic; 39 academic)
8. Texas – 54 (7 athletic; 47 academic)
9 (tie). Duke – 55 (45 athletic; 10 academic)
9 (tie). Penn State – 55 (8 athletic; 47 academic)
Worst 10 Overall schools
1 (tie.) Kansas State, Mississippi, Mississippi State, and South Florida – 337 (170 athletic; 167 academic)
5. Texas Tech – 294 (127 athletic; 167 academic)
6 (tie). Cincinnati and Louisville – 262 (95 athletic; 167 academic)
8. Oregon State – 250 (83 athletic; 167 academic)
9. Virginia Tech – 241 (170 athletic; 71 academic)
10. South Carolina – 237 (127 athletic; 110 academic)
Relative Athletic
1. Pac-10 – 21.4
2. Big Ten – 21.45
3. Big XII – 32.75
4. SEC – 34.33
5. ACC – 38.25
6. Big East – 45.25
Relative Academic
1. ACC – 19.5
2. Big Ten – 20.55
3. Pac-10 – 28.7
4. Big XII – 41
5. SEC – 41.33
6. Big East – 41.38
Relative Overall
1. Big Ten – 42
Best school: Michigan – 19 (10 athletic; 9 academic)
Worst school: Purdue – 74 (48 athletic; 26 academic)
2. Pac-10 – 50.1
Best school: Stanford – 3 (2 athletic; 1 academic)
Worst school: Oregon State – 101 (45 athletic; 56 academic)
3. ACC – 57.75
Best school: North Carolina – 19 (9 athletic; 10 academic)
Worst school: Virginia Tech – 92 (60 athletic; 32 academic)
4. Big XII – 73.75
Best school: Texas – 24 (7 athletic; 27 academic)
Worst school: Kansas State – 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
5. SEC – 75.67
Best school: Georgia – 36 (12 athletic; 24 academic)
Worst school: Mississippi and Mississippi State – 337 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
6. Big East – 86.63
Best school: Syracuse – 55 (31 athletic; 24 academic)
Worst school: South Florida – 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
Top 10 Overall schools
1. Stanford – 3 (2 athletic; 1 academic)
2. UCLA – 7 (1 athletic; 6 academic)
3. Southern California – 11 (3 athletic; 8 academic)
4. California – 16 (11 athletic; 5 academic)
5 (tie). Michigan – 19 (10 athletic; 9 academic)
5 (tie). North Carolina – 19 (9 athletic; 10 academic)
7. Texas – 24 (7 athletic; 27 academic)
8. Penn State – 25 (8 athletic; 17 academic)
9. Wisconsin – 26 (12 athletic; 14 academic)
10. Virginia – 32 (26 athletic; 6 academic)
Worst 10 Overall schools
1 (tie.) Kansas State, Mississippi, Mississippi State, and South Florida – 116 (60 athletic; 56 academic)
5. Texas Tech – 111 (55 athletic; 56 academic)
6. South Carolina – 105 (55 athletic; 50 academic)
7 (tie). Cincinnati and Louisville – 104 (48 athletic; 56 academic)
9. Oregon State – 101 (45 athletic; 56 academic)
10. Washington State – 96 (48 athletic; 48 academic)
Hypothesis proven.
Undefeated After Week 13
I don't know if you were aware, but this past Saturday Tim Tebow (who is, in fact, Jesus Christ resurrected) played his last home game at Florida. Did Urban Meyer cry earlier in the week while talking about Tebow? What bible verse did Tebow have on his eye black? Is Tebow considered a good person and/or football player? How many times did he turn Gatorade into wine? I just wish there had been more coverage on the matter.
Anywho, there were a couple close calls in the ranks of the unbeatens last weekend. Texas, Cincinnati, and Boise State had mild scares from an ag school, a gymnastics school, and a gambling school, respectively. And thanks to a classic bed shitting by Auburn, Alabama remains undefeated heading into this Saturday's SEC championship/BCS championship elimination game with Florida.
Here is a breakdown of the six undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):
#1 Florida (12-0)
12/5 - #2 Alabama (12-0) (1.000) (SEC championship game in Atlanta)
#2 Alabama (12-0)
12/5 - #1 Florida (12-0) (1.000) (SEC championship game in Atlanta)
#3 Texas (12-0)
12/5 - Nebraska (9-3) (.750) (Big XII championship game in Arlington, Texas)
#4 TCU (12-0)
Regular season is over
#5 Cincinnati (11-0)
12/5 – at #15 Pittsburgh (9-2) (.818)
#6 Boise State (12-0)
12/5 – New Mexico State (3-9) (.250)
Anywho, there were a couple close calls in the ranks of the unbeatens last weekend. Texas, Cincinnati, and Boise State had mild scares from an ag school, a gymnastics school, and a gambling school, respectively. And thanks to a classic bed shitting by Auburn, Alabama remains undefeated heading into this Saturday's SEC championship/BCS championship elimination game with Florida.
Here is a breakdown of the six undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):
#1 Florida (12-0)
12/5 - #2 Alabama (12-0) (1.000) (SEC championship game in Atlanta)
#2 Alabama (12-0)
12/5 - #1 Florida (12-0) (1.000) (SEC championship game in Atlanta)
#3 Texas (12-0)
12/5 - Nebraska (9-3) (.750) (Big XII championship game in Arlington, Texas)
#4 TCU (12-0)
Regular season is over
#5 Cincinnati (11-0)
12/5 – at #15 Pittsburgh (9-2) (.818)
#6 Boise State (12-0)
12/5 – New Mexico State (3-9) (.250)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday Top Ten: More Questions I Struggle With on a Daily Basis
Two weeks ago, I posted Ten Questions I Struggle With on a Daily Basis. It was met with significant fanfare, particularly in the Reston, Virginia area.
On a completed unrelated note, I feel like I need to get something off of my chest. Last night, in addition to the usual night terrors, I had a dream that Jessie didn't know who Jermiane Dupri is. Used to date Janet Jackson? In the Ferrari or Jaguar, switchin' four lanes? With the top down, screamin' out money ain't a thang? None of it was registering with her, and I was getting pretty pissed off. Jester, I didn't mean to fly off the handle, but come on.
Anyway, if you think there are only ten questions I struggle with on a daily basis, then you're sorely mistaken. My mind is constantly wandering. Hell, most of the time, I'm not even paying attention when people are talking because I'm so concerned about unanswered questions. I haunt myself.
10 (tie). Why can't I throw a football more than five yards in my dreams? Sweet Jesus, that's more frustrating than when your wife doesn't recognize one of the most successful hip hop producers of the last 15 years.
10 (tie). Do I not chew corn?
9. Arrested Development: What the fuck, America?
8. At what point in a man's life does he acquire "old man smell"? And is there anything that can be done to prevent it?
7. If a pathological liar says he's lying, is he telling the truth?
6. Why do people so often use ellipses incorrectly? I wonder when it will end . . .
5. How can anyone listen to "smooth jazz"? And will there ever be a point in my life when I will tolerate smooth jazz? If so, kick me where my balls used to be.
4. Why do fashion trends that look objectively terrible become popular? Uggs, crocs, women's sunglasses that cover half of their face, stirrup pants, and flat-brimmed baseball caps are some that come to mind.
3. Why does everyone assume people with Alzheimer's are suffering? Why isn't it assumed that they're having new and exciting adventures every few minutes?
2. In 500 years, will anyone know who Brad Pitt is? (Or anyone else who is famous today?)
1. How can anyone walk so fucking slowly? And is every slow walker completely oblivious to the fact that they're walking slowly (kind of like how douchebags don't realize they're douchebags), which would seem impossible, given that you have to try to walk that slowly? Or do they just not care that they are an impediment to everyone else on the sidewalk?
If you can answer any of these questions, please do so.
On a completed unrelated note, I feel like I need to get something off of my chest. Last night, in addition to the usual night terrors, I had a dream that Jessie didn't know who Jermiane Dupri is. Used to date Janet Jackson? In the Ferrari or Jaguar, switchin' four lanes? With the top down, screamin' out money ain't a thang? None of it was registering with her, and I was getting pretty pissed off. Jester, I didn't mean to fly off the handle, but come on.
Anyway, if you think there are only ten questions I struggle with on a daily basis, then you're sorely mistaken. My mind is constantly wandering. Hell, most of the time, I'm not even paying attention when people are talking because I'm so concerned about unanswered questions. I haunt myself.
10 (tie). Why can't I throw a football more than five yards in my dreams? Sweet Jesus, that's more frustrating than when your wife doesn't recognize one of the most successful hip hop producers of the last 15 years.
10 (tie). Do I not chew corn?
9. Arrested Development: What the fuck, America?
8. At what point in a man's life does he acquire "old man smell"? And is there anything that can be done to prevent it?
7. If a pathological liar says he's lying, is he telling the truth?
6. Why do people so often use ellipses incorrectly? I wonder when it will end . . .
5. How can anyone listen to "smooth jazz"? And will there ever be a point in my life when I will tolerate smooth jazz? If so, kick me where my balls used to be.
4. Why do fashion trends that look objectively terrible become popular? Uggs, crocs, women's sunglasses that cover half of their face, stirrup pants, and flat-brimmed baseball caps are some that come to mind.
3. Why does everyone assume people with Alzheimer's are suffering? Why isn't it assumed that they're having new and exciting adventures every few minutes?
2. In 500 years, will anyone know who Brad Pitt is? (Or anyone else who is famous today?)
1. How can anyone walk so fucking slowly? And is every slow walker completely oblivious to the fact that they're walking slowly (kind of like how douchebags don't realize they're douchebags), which would seem impossible, given that you have to try to walk that slowly? Or do they just not care that they are an impediment to everyone else on the sidewalk?
If you can answer any of these questions, please do so.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Undefeated After Week 12
It's getting down to crunch time, and we may very well have 5 undefeated teams going into the bowl season. That's insane, and should certainly get the proponents of a playoff system in a tizzy.
Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):
#1 Florida (11-0)
11/28 – Florida State (6-5)
12/5 - #2 Alabama (11-0) (SEC championship game)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 17-5 (.773)
#2 Alabama (11-0)
11/27 – at Auburn (7-4)
12/5 - #1 Florida (11-0) (SEC championship game)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 18-4 (.818)
#3 Texas (11-0)
11/26 – at Texas A&M (6-5)
12/5 - Nebraska (8-3) (Big XII championship game)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 14-8 (.636)
#4 TCU (11-0)
11/28 – New Mexico (1-10) (.091)
#5 Cincinnati (10-0)
11/27 – Illinois (3-7)
12/5 – at #9 Pittsburgh (9-1)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 12-8 (.600)
#6 Boise State (11-0)
11/27 – Nevada (8-3)
12/5 – New Mexico State (3-8)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 11-11 (.500)
Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):
#1 Florida (11-0)
11/28 – Florida State (6-5)
12/5 - #2 Alabama (11-0) (SEC championship game)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 17-5 (.773)
#2 Alabama (11-0)
11/27 – at Auburn (7-4)
12/5 - #1 Florida (11-0) (SEC championship game)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 18-4 (.818)
#3 Texas (11-0)
11/26 – at Texas A&M (6-5)
12/5 - Nebraska (8-3) (Big XII championship game)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 14-8 (.636)
#4 TCU (11-0)
11/28 – New Mexico (1-10) (.091)
#5 Cincinnati (10-0)
11/27 – Illinois (3-7)
12/5 – at #9 Pittsburgh (9-1)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 12-8 (.600)
#6 Boise State (11-0)
11/27 – Nevada (8-3)
12/5 – New Mexico State (3-8)
Remaining opponents' combined record: 11-11 (.500)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Midwestern Eavesdropping - 11/19/09
A guy dressed as Marty McFly at a Halloween party: "We're going back to the future."Some other guy: "8.8 gigawatts!"
--Chicago, Webster & Bissell
Eavesdropper: GMYH
TV commercial: "Black is the new taco."
Woman who gave birth less than a week before: "My taco feels black."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian
Twentysomething female, upon entering apartment she had never been to before: "It smells like flowers and gummy bears."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH
Thirtysomething female walking with friend: "I thought he was finally cured but then I put a sweatshirt on one night and I was like...why is this wet?"
--Chicago, Wacker & Washington
Eavesdropper: RobD
Twentysomething female: "I totally had my face buried in her fur."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH
Fortysomething federal employee: "How do you keep your kids so quiet?"
Mangy, yet sincere, thirtysomething man within earshot of his children: "I beat them."--Indianapolis
Eavesdropper: Messy
Drunk guy at bar, referring to Kenny Rogers: "The man could make chicken and sing ballads."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH
In a group of old people, an overly-excited old lady to her husband in a "Jerry Seinfeld's mom" -esque voice: "I bought us some nuts and dried berries. We can make trail mix!"
--Beijing, airport
Eavesdropper: Yehday
Chick talking on cell phone: "Have I ever told you the story of my teeth?"
--Chicago, State & Hubbard
Eavesdropper: GMYH
Discussion regarding a friend's engagement:
Guy 1: "Is she cute?"
Guy 2: "Well--I mean, yes. She is attractive, in the basic sense of the world. She's a little unorthodox."
Guy 1: "What does that mean? Short hair? Too tall? Pale?"
Guy 2: "Well..."
Guy 3: "The main issue is that she only has one hand."
--Chicago, State & Schiller
Eavesdropper: RobD
Thirtysomething female watching college basketball game, after saying she thought dark-skinned African-American college basketball player was handsome: "I don't like milky. I like dark and shiny."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH
Thanks to all who contributed. As always, if you overhear something hilarious, email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com for inclusion in the next installment of Midwestern Eavesdropping.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday Top Ten: Reasons IU is Better Than Purdue
It's Old Oaken Bucket week, as IU and Purdue will clash this Saturday (3:30 ET, Big Ten Network) for bragging rights (and pretty much nothing else). This, of course, means that it's high-time for discussing Purdue's many deficiencies.
You know I hate Purdue. I've made that abundantly clear. Hell, if you Google "Fuck Purdue" or "I hate Purdue," this here blog is the first result for both searches. Purdue is a vile and despicable place born out of a failed professorship, hog by-products, and a discernible lack of Vitamin D. If you are looking to be underwhelmed, then Purdue is the place for you, from its concrete quads to its consistent underachievement in athletics and academics.
West Lafayette, Indiana is akin to a post-apocalyptic hinterland – not unlike Los Angeles after Skynet – constantly covered in a shroud of gray. Beneath the low-hanging clouds, you will find befuddled and unkempt corn-fed engineering and ag students breathing through their mouths as they trudge around campus in piss-yellow sweatshirts and ill-fitting sweatpants covering skid-marked tidy whities. And the men aren't exactly the picks of the litter either. This is, after all, the school that has produced Brian Cardinal, Kyle Orton, and Carson Cunningham. If you listen closely, you can hear masked screams of ugly-students-past under the constant and bitter wind that wafts the effluence from nearby pig farms and sewage treatment facilities throughout Purdue's campus.
With that introduction, here are the top ten reasons IU is better than Purdue:
10 (tie). While IU touts the fact that the structure for DNA was discovered on its campus, Purdue is proud of the fact that they financed and helped modify the plane that carried Amelia Earhart – who was a whore, mind you – to her death.
10 (tie). Purdue clings to the incorrect notion that it has the largest bass drum in the world. Whether it's the largest or not, one thing is true: it gets hit on more than the average (and I do mean average) Purdue co-ed. Zing!
10 (tie). IU was once ranked the number one party school in the nation by the Princeton Review. Purdue – whose most famous bar is a self-titled "chocolate shop" – once rioted after they won an NCAA title in women's basketball.
10 (tie). IU's campus is perennially ranked as one of the most beautiful campuses in the country, while Purdue needs a giant fan to make it smell less "manure-y."
9. Purdue has courses in animal husbandry, and the National Swine Registry is located in West Lafayette, while IU is home to the Kinsey Institute and the largest library of porn in the world.
8. The women at IU are generally considered to collectively be the best looking women in the Big Ten, if not the entire Midwest. At Purdue, the women are so homely that one of the literate students once wrote an editorial in the school newspaper entitled "Purdue doesn't have enough quality women," and otherwise neutral basketball announcers feel the need to comment about their cheerleaders' lack of attractiveness. If you need further convincing, look no further than former "lady" Boiler Ukari Figgs. Actually, I probably shouldn't have mentioned her. If Jack Link's has taught us anything, it's don't mess with Sasquatch.
7. When attending an athletic event at IU, you might run into John Mellencamp. When attending an athletic event at Purdue, you might run into this:
6. IU's motto, "Lux Et Veritas," when translated, means "light and truth." Purdue's motto, "Education, Research, Service," when translated, means "Keeping Ugly Girls Out of IU since 1869." It's true. I read it on a sign once.
5. Quick, name a famous cult leader responsible for one of the largest mass suicides of all-time who went to Purdue. You can't, can you? But if you were talking about IU, then you'd be talking about none other than charismatic Peoples Temple wunderkind Jim Jones.
4. IU is a Public Ivy. Purdue is a public toilet.
3. Bloomington was the setting of an Academy Award winning film, while West Lafayette – although never filmed (too dark) and never actually mentioned on screen in any film ever – is the inspiration behind the titles of such film as "In Hell," "Anatomy of Failure," and "Porky's."
2. IU's basketball coaches have claimed national championships and Final Four berths, while the only championships Purdue's basketball coaches claim are in Goonies character look-alike contests.
1. Purdue allows its football players to take pictures like this:
I would be honored if you would add comments with any additional reasons why IU is better than Purdue.
You know I hate Purdue. I've made that abundantly clear. Hell, if you Google "Fuck Purdue" or "I hate Purdue," this here blog is the first result for both searches. Purdue is a vile and despicable place born out of a failed professorship, hog by-products, and a discernible lack of Vitamin D. If you are looking to be underwhelmed, then Purdue is the place for you, from its concrete quads to its consistent underachievement in athletics and academics.
West Lafayette, Indiana is akin to a post-apocalyptic hinterland – not unlike Los Angeles after Skynet – constantly covered in a shroud of gray. Beneath the low-hanging clouds, you will find befuddled and unkempt corn-fed engineering and ag students breathing through their mouths as they trudge around campus in piss-yellow sweatshirts and ill-fitting sweatpants covering skid-marked tidy whities. And the men aren't exactly the picks of the litter either. This is, after all, the school that has produced Brian Cardinal, Kyle Orton, and Carson Cunningham. If you listen closely, you can hear masked screams of ugly-students-past under the constant and bitter wind that wafts the effluence from nearby pig farms and sewage treatment facilities throughout Purdue's campus.
With that introduction, here are the top ten reasons IU is better than Purdue:
10 (tie). While IU touts the fact that the structure for DNA was discovered on its campus, Purdue is proud of the fact that they financed and helped modify the plane that carried Amelia Earhart – who was a whore, mind you – to her death.
10 (tie). Purdue clings to the incorrect notion that it has the largest bass drum in the world. Whether it's the largest or not, one thing is true: it gets hit on more than the average (and I do mean average) Purdue co-ed. Zing!
10 (tie). IU was once ranked the number one party school in the nation by the Princeton Review. Purdue – whose most famous bar is a self-titled "chocolate shop" – once rioted after they won an NCAA title in women's basketball.
10 (tie). IU's campus is perennially ranked as one of the most beautiful campuses in the country, while Purdue needs a giant fan to make it smell less "manure-y."
9. Purdue has courses in animal husbandry, and the National Swine Registry is located in West Lafayette, while IU is home to the Kinsey Institute and the largest library of porn in the world.
8. The women at IU are generally considered to collectively be the best looking women in the Big Ten, if not the entire Midwest. At Purdue, the women are so homely that one of the literate students once wrote an editorial in the school newspaper entitled "Purdue doesn't have enough quality women," and otherwise neutral basketball announcers feel the need to comment about their cheerleaders' lack of attractiveness. If you need further convincing, look no further than former "lady" Boiler Ukari Figgs. Actually, I probably shouldn't have mentioned her. If Jack Link's has taught us anything, it's don't mess with Sasquatch.
7. When attending an athletic event at IU, you might run into John Mellencamp. When attending an athletic event at Purdue, you might run into this:
6. IU's motto, "Lux Et Veritas," when translated, means "light and truth." Purdue's motto, "Education, Research, Service," when translated, means "Keeping Ugly Girls Out of IU since 1869." It's true. I read it on a sign once.5. Quick, name a famous cult leader responsible for one of the largest mass suicides of all-time who went to Purdue. You can't, can you? But if you were talking about IU, then you'd be talking about none other than charismatic Peoples Temple wunderkind Jim Jones.
4. IU is a Public Ivy. Purdue is a public toilet.
3. Bloomington was the setting of an Academy Award winning film, while West Lafayette – although never filmed (too dark) and never actually mentioned on screen in any film ever – is the inspiration behind the titles of such film as "In Hell," "Anatomy of Failure," and "Porky's."
2. IU's basketball coaches have claimed national championships and Final Four berths, while the only championships Purdue's basketball coaches claim are in Goonies character look-alike contests.
1. Purdue allows its football players to take pictures like this:
IU doesn't.
I would be honored if you would add comments with any additional reasons why IU is better than Purdue.
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